I’m awake again at 5am this morning. I’ve been waking between 3 and 5am for over a week now as I’m sleeping for about 5 hours max but strangely enough this feels ok. At first I was just frustrated, lying there with stuff and nonsense, little white lies and big beastie fears whizzing through my head. Then I had an overwhelming urge to start writing again – I’m glad I did.
I watched a movie last night, called… Last Night, which funnily enough was all about this big fear of mine. Infidelity.
It’s actually a really well told story but left me feeling really sad and bringing to light one of the things I asked myself a lot in my moments of self-torment… Is every relationship always going to have this happen? Will one person or both, always end up lying to themselves and then their partner?
I don’t have an answer for that. But I am catching and interrupting the default voice in my head. I’m working on digging and uprooting the belief I have made as
a) I want to live in the moment and feel joy and happiness for what IS real at any given time
b) NOT make my fears my reality but make my dreams my reality instead
I’ve realised a lot over the past few days and one of the biggies is how deep some of my insecurities and fears still are.
In response to this deeper understanding with myself, I know I have to change my reactions and re-MIND myself that I cannot control anyTHING but I can choose different thoughts for myself, which then create a different experience of reality for me. A happier one.
I can acknowledge feelings – preferably as they occur – and choose to do something different instead of withdraw. Open my heart instead of closing it and face my fears head on.
Truth always finds a voice in the end anyway. I’m a firm believer of this.
This is all going to take practise. I know that but I’m worth the effort.
And I can hope that those around me will honour and respect themselves, be brave enough to look at themselves honestly too, and accept responsibility. But I cannot make them. That is their journey and their choices and I have to trust that they will be doing their best to do so, the same as I am.
So I’m practising letting go of the insanity of my ego that thinks it can have control over anyone else. It can’t. It’s got to be all about me.
If I want change I have to BE the change.
And as my friend Bird said to me recently; choose to Love, Honour and Cherish your Self first. And I think this is key for letting the magic in life unfurl into something beautiful for me and maybe for you too.
I’m going to end this now with the ‘sort of’ poem I wrote, that I mentioned earlier.
If any of this has touched something in you I’d love to hear about it – please leave me a comment in the box you’ll see on this page if you scroll down x
Little White Lies
by Sarah Cairncross © 2011
Little white lies. So easily slipped off the tongue, escaping your lips in a heartbeat, with as little thought.
They’re not harmful are they? They don’t mean anything do they?
They are small and will melt like a snowflake in a moment, on the soft warm pink ear of those that receive them.
Little white lies. Out before the brain is flexed.
Only said to save you from…
From a reaction you’ve imagined will happen?
To make their life easier or yours?
Little white lies. Can grow you know.
Don’t think they’re inconsequential… That is where they deceive you.
They can melt or get bigger. Tumbling along until they are not quite so white. Sticky and round, churning and turning into a dirty grey snowball, picking up speed and shit along the way. Growing, hiding that original speck that was once white.
It was white wasn’t it?
Little white lies. Don’t underestimate them.
Notice them quick. Look at them now. Ask them why.
Let them melt on your tongue instead of letting them fly.
Little white lies should die.
Photo Credit: langll