Who Am I?

Standing in the shower washing myself, I thought back to the photos I’d just been looking at.

Photographs of me.

And the thought popped in my head.  Who am I?

I’ve got no idea where this is going… I’m just going to write what comes up when I think of this question.

My first thoughts were that looking back I can see change towards something deep within me and then I see myself covering up again.  Literally.  I feel like I’m wearing a fat suit *lol*

So who am I REALLY?

When I look at those photos I see someone old, dull, lifeless, grey.  I see that when I look in the mirror at the moment too.  I felt it sharply when my friend looked at my passport the other day and was incredulous that the photo in it was taken only 5 years ago.. errm aren’t I meant to look better in real life than in a crappy passport photo that I hate!!!

I hate that I’m floundering.  I find it tedious, to put it mildly and I was explaining to my friend, Bird, that I can’t start AGAIN can I.  Can I?  I mean, it’s laughable.. how many times I’ve done this?!!  Well I’d laugh if it wasn’t so fewking crap.

I said to her, what’s the point in me getting going on the blog again.  I start, I stop.  I get fat.  Where’s the inspiration in that?  Why would anyone want to read it?  Why would this time be different?

She then pointed out to me that she’d want to read it.  Why?  Because it’s real.  My story isn’t a simple one of waking up one morning after reading lots of common sense  and having a ta dah! moment that magically transformed me from a prize procrastinator to a healthy, exercise loving, glowing goddess of goodness.

But damn I love to read about those too hahahaha

Mine is a frequently excruciatingly, up and down, head in the sand, on top of the mountain journey to….

ummm, yes.  I’m not sure on the ‘to’.

I just know I have this pain point (thankfully), that I get to and no matter how much crap I say to myself I have this urge to just start again anyway.

Start what?

Start being me.

Who am I?

Hi, my name is Sarah.  I’m 40 years old and I’m on a journey to remember who I am.  At the moment I am discovering how to feel emotions again and realise I won’t crumble from experiencing them or expressing them.  And I need to remember I don’t have to eat them.

I am a thinker and a creator.  I am a lover.  I am a mother.  I am a sister.  I am a friend.

I am living my truth

I am me

23 thoughts on “Who Am I?

  1. ahhh you know what.. I may just do that. I can already hear myself saying – but it’ll be dark and cold cos you’ll have to get up at 6am so no-one sees you.. *drums fingers on the table*

  2. In embarking upon a voyage to discover yourself, following paths that have been carved by others will probably result in a discovery of their perceptions of reality over your own.

    I suspect you have focused too much on being a sister, friend, mother & lover – leaving the thinker and creator to be influenced by these alternate selves within you.

    I’ll go a step further – those around us either serve to enhance our perception of the world around us or poison it by filling our thinking with pollution… noise… irrelevance – stuff that holds us back.

    So in analysing the why behind the why in all that has held you back – you need to critically analyse your own mistakes for sure and also look beyond these too.

    • That’s a really insightful comment, thank you. And yes.. all day yesterday I kept reading articles about clearing all the extra crap out of the way and focus on ONE thing… So either there’s something in the air or it’s the universe saying FFS Sarah PAY ATTENTION *lol*

      So I will spend some time today on me. I’ll meditate then write. I need to figure out what I want and where my joy is then set a goal. My biggest mistake so far has not been having even one, and no goal means no focus and I get sucked into focussing on others all the time and not moving forward myself.

      Hmmm

  3. Sarah, Just keep on going :D

    “For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again.” – Proverbs 24:16

    Suzy

  4. Hi Sarah,

    I wish you’d stop beating and eating yourself up every time you have a slip. I think you trying to do the raw thing now is not right for you, it is cold, dark and comfort food is required.

    I lost my 1st stone following Joanna Hall’s no carbs after 5 diet, meant I could eat the same main component as my hubby just replacing the carb with veggies, or spiralised corguette and walking was my only exercise. Once the first stone was done I conitnued with the diet but upped my exercise as I now felt confident to be seen in a tracksuit – since then I have lost 3 stone, put half a stone back on and lost it again… But I never beat myself up and if I fancy a binge I binge but the things I used to love and crave don’t do it for me anymore – I don’t miss bread, white pasta (I have chickpea pasta), egg noodles (I have buckwheat noodles), white rice (I have small portions of brown) and potatoes I have loads of fresh veggies.

    It’s worth a go, as raw is quite a difficult thing to stick to when others in your house are not doing it. Once you have lost a bit of weight and have stopped berating yourself you can try it again –

    My 2p’s worth hon, but whatever you do in life you need to be HAPPY and be glad to be alive x

    • Hiya Jo and yep I agree with you re. the beating myself up and not doing an uber high raw thing.

      I’m going to focus on eating healthy ie. all natural and organic and home made. Incorporate juices and smoothies but I just want warm food too.. will have to make it myself though so I know what’s in it. So I’m going to have to sit myself down and do a 4 week meal plan.. when I organise myself like this I do find it more effortless for sure, I just have to push past the perceived boredom of the task lol.

      And yes, being alive and happy are THE most important things. All the feedback I’ve gotten has made me realise what great people I’ve got in my life and I’m really thankful for that. And I also love this opportunity to meet and talk with so many through the internet. Lucky me!

  5. Hiya you

    Great blog post. Great to see you back. Hurrah!!

    You ask “I can’t start AGAIN can I. Can I? I mean, it’s laughable.. how many times I’ve done this?!!”

    Well, being blunt, what other choice do you have? Do any of us have?

    You KNOW how down I’ve felt recently (especially you, my little buddy and biggest supporter) but I had to get up every day and do it again, because the alternative – to take drastic steps to ensure we don’t have to get up and do it again – is unthinkable.

    Or if not unthinkable, un-do’able. We are mothers after all,and we know what our mother abandoning us did to our self-esteem!!

    You said: “Well I’d laugh if it wasn’t so fewking crap”

    You are so uncritical of others – to your own detriment sometimes – but you are so critical of yourself. Several times in this blog post you have beaten yourself up…

    Just stop, be more loving to yourself and GIVE YOURSELF a break. You have been through HELL in the last few years and you are only just coming out of it all now. Getting that divorce and the money you are due (rather than living on the breadline while it’s all sorted) will help with that.

    IMHO someone who hates shopping and cooking (or not cooking) as much as you, is always going to struggle to go raw, because you are just not organised enough! Work out the food you like to eat, that is healthy and EASY and does not require hours of prep.

    Remember what Thomas Leonard (founder of Coaching) said – design supportive environments and ZAP tolerations that keep recurring and sapping your energy.

    Here’s a suggested plan (which you will resist / ignore of course LOL – but it might make you create your own)

    Make a menu list for the week, create a weekly shopping list of the basics needed and put it on recurring order at Tesco’s or Sainsbury’s so that they just deliver the basics, deduct from your card and you have some food in the fridge for you and the kids without needed to think about it.

    Don’t buy biscuits or chocolate – get their pocket money sorted and they can buy that stuff for themselves (but ban it from the house).

    You also said “I said to her, what’s the point in me getting going on the blog again. I start, I stop. I get fat. Where’s the inspiration in that? Why would anyone want to read it? Why would this time be different?”

    Um….o let me think! Because you are human, this is a human story, and we are all human and struggling with our own challenges.

    Your story is a metaphor for us all, and reading your thoughts inspires us to examine our own and to be more mindful and pro-active with our own challenges.

    Your solutions may fit our situation, your answers may work for us.

    But at the end of the day, you write brilliantly, you are funny and you have a loyal following. So even if you just write because it’s cathartic, and we read because we enjoy it and we want to support you……

    THAT’s ENOUGH.

    You are enough. You are MORE than enough.

    We love you!

    So get on with it FFS!

    LOL

    Nicola Cairncross
    Sister & Internet Marketing Mentor

    • First I want to say, I love you :) and thank you for this.

      And yes I will be doing a plan – you know and I know I’m gonna resist it *lol* but it has to be done as unless I make this change, the rest is not going to.

      FFS indeed *grin* x

  6. NC said “….. you are funny and you have a loyal following” This also applies to the videos. Always great entertainment and don’t have to be about weight loss. I’ve watched some of the food prep vids (eg lettuce wrap vid) and enjoyed them despite having only a passing interest in raw food. “…of course if you like it supper hot *bobs eyebrows* …” great stuff :)

    • Ahhh yes, the videos. You’re right I need to get back on them and ok, I publicly declare to you, right here, that by this time next week there will be a minimum of one new video made by moi up here. I dunno that me in a bikini is super hot mind you, super wobbly, yes *lol*.. so yeah maybe I’ll flick through a recipe book and record me cocking it up! :)

  7. I was just thinking about sending you a video :) I’ve got so much to tell you. Can you believe it’s been over a year since I’ve been over? I need a revisit! I promise to send you something within a week :)

  8. Life is about the pursuit and you Sarah pursue like no other.
    Maybe it’s not about reaching the goal, because after all what then?
    Oh…and I agree with Nicola, great pic ;)

  9. What they all said! :)

    Particularly the bit about being everything to everyone else and nothing to yourself.

    I stopped doing everything for everyone and, you know what? It didn’t all go tits up, they bumbled along and managed perfectly well without me. Every time I go to do a presentation or write a quotation, I go through hours of angst about my own inabilities and lack of worth. We all do it, whether through genetics or conditioning or stupidity but we do. And it’s only when we understand that everyone has insecurities that we can start to stand tall.

    Do what you enjoy doing because that is what you will be best at. And just learn to love yourself. It’s a long road and a slow process but every step and every day makes it easier x

    • Ahh Joanna, I can so relate to everything you’re saying and btw, you do pop out many words of wisdom ;)

      It’s because of you sharing your story and others also doing that, that I feel encouraged to try again. And yes, I just have to learn to love myself – that is something I read AGAIN last night, twice, and then on your comment this morning. The Universe is saying ‘Cooeeee HELLLOOOOO’ *lol*. It’s all got to start with me, no matter how selfish that sounds, for if I don’t love myself, I’ll stay stuck and that’s one thing I know I don’t want to be.

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