The Year I Love

I woke up excited this morning. Not only was I hangover free as I’d spent a sober night alone – a frequent occurrence, especially on New Years Eve as I not-so-secretly quite enjoy it – but I’d actually gotten my notebook and pen out and USED them to mull over some things I’d like to achieve this year.

I try to not use the word ‘goals’ as I’m rather adept at missing them. In fact I don’t want to describe what I did as something I’m going to strive for. I’m going to scrap the use of ‘achieve’ too.

This year I’m going to be paying attention to what I desire.

I’ve discovered I’m a bit crap at figuring out what I want (what I really, really want – sing along!) but I’ve been getting some coaching off the rather fabulous Paul Fuggle over at Clear Focus Consulting who’s been doing amazing things to get me out of my rather bossy head and into my heart to hear what she has to say about things.

My heart is quite challenging – who knew!

Challenging for my head that is.

And the good old ego is very quick to try and smother her in stuff that looks like Nutella but doesn’t smell like it.

So with Paul’s voice echoing in my head and reading my notes from the coaching I’ve had so far, I chose to declare to myself and at least two friends on Facebook who were paying attention (most others were distracted by my primary school photo), that 2018 was going to be about loving myself.

In fact I will fill myself to overflowing, like molten chocolate pudding and spread love on anything and anyone else who comes near me.

Finger lickin’ good

Actually, yesterday evening I’d declared to a friend that this year was all going to be about self pleasure.

Love is the primary force that all these things spring from – desire, pleasure and many more sensual words that will flow through me. I’m sure.

I’m going to revel in love.

So what was my first challenge?

On this first day of the New Year, I’ve traditionally stood in front of a camera and shot a video of myself. Usually whilst full of self loathing and embarrassment, pointing out everything I don’t like about my physical body and documenting my vital statistics as weighty evidence.

This morning, when I got out of the bath, I thought about that for a brief moment and smiled. I then walked past a full length mirror that is conspicuously stuck on a wall.

I traditionally avoid mirrors, only glancing at those situated at head height, if I’m lucky, when I need to.

But things have been happening in my life where I’ve been laying myself bare. With no softly lit table lamps in sight.

So I stopped.

I dropped my towel and took a good long look

At everything.

My hair; the way it was haphazardly piled on the top of my head with bits escaping. My smile – yes I was smiling – and how crooked it is, and yes, cheeky I guess. The fall of my breasts, the curve of my waist, the softness of my belly, the shape of my legs.

I turned, like I used to do in my videos, checking myself from the side and, turning again, from the back. I got my phone out so I could switch on the camera to get a better look.

And in those moments I loved and accepted everything about myself.

I put my phone down and picked up my coconut oil

Digging some out of the jar – no easy feat in cooler weather, I can tell you – it quickly melted in my palm and slowly, watching my reflection, I smoothed it over my skin.

I started with my face, being thankful for all my laughter lines, my wrinkles, for reflecting who I am.

I did this to every part of my body, saying something loving and positive about each and every bit – especially those I’d poked and prodded and squeezed between my fingers in disgust in the past.

I took my time

Hell, I’m worth it and it felt good! Pleasurable. Loving. Sensual. Try it some time… I highly recommend it.

At the end I said…

Well hello 2018!

You’re most definitely, the year I love.

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6 thoughts on “The Year I Love”

  1. Now that is awesome! Written so well. I happily join you in remembering more about the good positive things I have done, do and will do, and I will celebrate me as you do you:0)
    I thought along these lines for 2018 as well. Oddly enough (in a connective kind of way) I even found myself singing that song today….I can’t stand that song. Now it’s on repeat in my head all over again…. Ahhhhh! Sarah Cairncross.
    Hopefully your open honesty will inspire all who read your letter. I agree, it is about self love; how you feel about yourself. Loving who you are is so much more pleasurable…my love is you your love, right….tunning in to a new song:0) thanks for the reminder xx

    • Ear worms are a bastard eh… Sooooo tempted to give you another one haha! Thanks for sharing your thoughts too Jude, you’re a very inspiring woman you know and I hope to hear about some of the adventures you’re currently having xx


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