My Second Tantra Massage

Today was my second tantra massage and I wasn’t sure about doing it but decided to keep an open mind. Maybe I’ll feel differently from last time as, with any luck, I won’t be in my head constantly worrying about stuff.

The reason for my reticence is that I’m not clear on what I’m hoping to get out of doing these tantric sessions. Maybe I’ll talk to Michelle about it later. Right now I’m thinking I’d be happy to do the meditations and yoga exercises she guides me through but the physical touch, I’d prefer to do to myself or with a partner. Maybe I need to explore ‘why’ that is…

The tantra session started

This time when I arrived, Michelle and I had a chat about how I was finding my homework and any changes I’d noticed and how I was feeling about stuff.

I didn’t blurt out; “Why am I doing this?” I wanted to focus on staying open to anything that may happen and keep the mental goings-on to a minimum.

Michelle asked me to disrobe and dress in my sarong. When she came back in the room we both had a good laugh at me exclaiming that I looked like one of The Flintstones. We then sat cross legged facing each other, I closed my eyes, took three deep belly breaths to help ground myself in the here and now and she then guided me through a meditation to have a chat with my yoni.

I must confess I did become a bit American gangsta in my head, using phrases like ‘Yo there yoni!” and wanted to giggle but I managed to pull my focus back and when Michelle asked me to ask what my yoni wants, ‘she’ immediately said ‘Love’. My mind of course was saying “Uh, well THAT is a bit obvious, surely she must want something else, c’mon luv, what is it you really want?” My yoni was calm and clear and just said ‘Love’ again. So I had to shut my mind up and direct it to listen to what Michelle was saying now.

Michelle was also saying to send love to my yoni – I guess the old Y has been feeling a bit separate from the rest of me, a bit Me vs Her, so I allowed myself to become fully present and fill her up. Energetically speaking. She liked that.

The tantra massage

Michelle then asked me to lay down and she unwrapped me from the sarong. I did get a mental image of me being a burrito having my foil wrap removed, don’t ask me why. At least it made me smile.

And then… Then, I allowed myself to drift away in this great gift of touch. Intimate and sensual but not sexual. I fully relaxed my mind and body and really felt my energy moving through me. It was… Liberating. Delicious. Empowering.

Turning over on to my back I suddenly realised that in the last session I had been feeling ashamed of myself. The reason this popped into my head is because I was feeling NO SHAME this time. I hadn’t even felt a compulsion to apologise for my hirsuite appearance pretty much everywhere (waxing is booked in for next week). I was feeling my feminine power.

Towards the end, Michelle was stroking from the soles of my feet, up my legs, across my yoni, abdomen, breasts, neck, face, to the crown of my head and I just felt filled with pure golden light – I had the sudden visual that I had become the image of a Hindu golden statue, which I enjoyed immensely. It felt a bit odd talking about that afterwards, but that’s what happened!

Maybe I don’t need to have all the answers

I’m glad I had such a positive, relaxed experience this time. Michelle had said right at the start of this tantric journey that each time would be different, to suspend judgement and just be in the moment.

I’d gone into my second tantric session today fully expecting it to be my last one. I was not sure about my Why. I was asking myself, ‘What’s the point?’.

Now I can answer.

To drop my shame, to lift my limitations, challenge my self beliefs, face my fears. To shed what is no longer needed, what no longer serves me.

Revel in, and reveal, who I really am.

What now?

My daily yoga and breathing exercises, together with avoiding clitoral orgasm for several days certainly helped this tantra massage be a much more positive experience. I found it much easier to stay out of my mind and be in my body and allow myself to enjoy it.

I’ll probably do at least one more solo tantric session. Something happened today that chipped away at that gnarly emotionaI lump I was clutching hold of – like an unwanted gall stone. What I’ve experienced has somehow made it smaller. Easier to pass out of my system? Maybe. I quite like the analogy. I know I’m not 100% there yet but wow, I can’t believe how insignificant it is compared to just two weeks ago. At that time I would have described it as a hoofing great boulder bigger than a house. Insurmountable.

Tantra is not an easy self development path, there’s nowhere to hide but oh what riches will I uncover if I pursue it?

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