After reading an awful lot about Tantra and having had an experience of being a ‘body’ for a friend who was learning tantric massage, I decided I wanted to explore it further and see how it could heal and expand different areas of my life.
I took the plunge and booked in for a Healing Tantric Massage. Yes, I was going to be spending about 90 minutes butt naked receiving a full body tantric massage from a woman, that includes my yoni. AKA Fanny. I really must think up a more exotic name for her…
How was I feeling about this?
So much so that I didn’t even want to examine what I was feeling on edge about exactly. I read and re-read the page on Sacred Tantric Touch and reminded myself that Michelle does this for a living and all I have to do is lie down and remember to breathe. Actually I don’t even have to remember to do that — she will remind me!
I knew I could talk to her about anything I was worried about beforehand but decided to push it out of my mind until my phone beeped to tell me to get in the car and drive to Brighton.
This is what happened
On arrival she gave me a hug, mentioned her back was hurting a little from lifting something heavy the previous day and I immediately latched on to it and said — DON’T WORRY! We don’t have to do this today *BIG GRIN*
She just laughed and offered me a drink of water or a herbal tea. Instead, I ran to the bathroom to have a long and thoughtful pee.
So I went back to the kitchen, we chatted for a minute or two and then she invited me into her treatment room which immediately made me feel calmer.
A Sacred Space
Lit with candles, it was nice and cosy with beautiful things to let my gaze rest on. We sat on her treatment mat and she explained to me what was going to happen and she would ask before touching my yoni inside, if indeed she felt it appropriate to do so.
She would however be massaging the outside as it is a part of my body like any other. If I felt pain or discomfort anywhere in my body, I was to say something and she would stop and hold her hand there to give healing.
On asking me if I had any questions or worries, I found myself blurting out that no, I was only concerned that something emotional was going to come up for me. As she smiled and reassured me, I sat there wondering what it could be.
She then left the room to allow me time to undress (she remains fully clothed) and lie face down, covering my butt with a towel. My butt and two lumpy spots I might add — the perils of waxing!
The Tantric Yoni Massage
When she came back in Michelle asked me to close my eyes for the treatment, to help me focus on her touch and what was happening in my body. She then placed her hands on my back and started guiding me towards relaxation with her words, and instructed me to breathe in and out deeply three times.
Once she felt I’d relaxed a bit and she’d connected energetically to me, she started the massage. Pouring delicious smelling warm oil on my skin and then making sweeping strokes and little rocking motions on certain points to help move energy through my body.
I admit that I had a total monkey mind at the beginning, leaping about all over the place. Worrying about blemishes and feeling ashamed of my general lardiness. In fact a word popped into my head — dishonoured. I’d not been honouring my body. For a long time. Doing this was a step in rectifying that.
I was starting to relax further when she reached my heart chakra on my back. In fact — heart and throat together made me feel like crying. I swallowed it down as usual. Michelle got me to breathe and whoosh — it was out. Tears that I tried to keep silent and a snot bubble to accompany them, ran down my face. Sexy image huh?
My hair had fallen over my face but Michelle stroked it back and continued the massage whilst I felt this sudden rush of sorrow. I felt able to release it in this safe space. I had no idea why it was there, it was good to let it go though.
She massaged every part of me; my back, neck, head, arms, butt and legs finishing that part of the massage by resting her body against mine in a loving embrace for a few moments, breathing with me.
Then I was asked to turn over
The movement reminded me I was totally starkers and I felt slight embarrassment at baring myself.
Michelle cradled the back of my head and covered me initially with a towel, asking me to take three deep breaths again to help me relax. She then stroked my face and neck and breasts and down my tummy and across my mons. I felt… nurtured.
I was not feeling sexual or sensual actually, I was just enjoying being touched and realised how good it makes me feel.
Michelle then moved to my side and removed the towel and re-connected with me, holding her hands at the crown of my head and on my yoni. Occasionally she would instruct me to breathe deeply with her, which was very grounding and brought me out of my head and back into my body — I kept drifting back into thought. I didn’t realise how tense I’ve been lately.
Next were my legs and feet and yoni. Michelle was tuned into me and knew I was too much in my head for much more than the delicious, relaxing strokes she was giving me. Thank fuck she knows what she’s doing, I thought. Then I told myself to stop thinking. Haha.
The happy ending
Nooo, not THAT type of happy ending. I did not want to explore further today and Michelle had picked up on that without me needing to say a thing. I trusted her and felt at ease throughout.
I was covered in a towel and left in a blissed out state for a few minutes before she returned with a glass of water and we had a chat. Interestingly she said she couldn’t feel me in my feet, and I reckon she probably had a hard job feeling anything much from me at all. It made me realise just how disconnected I am at the moment. I also thought that really, I just wished I had a loving partner doing this with Michelle’s guidance. It was interesting for me to observe my own resistance to the session.
To help me get ‘more into my body’ I was given a couple of simple exercises to do as homework. Focus on rooting myself to the ground whenever I’m stood up and before I get up in the morning, to put one hand on my yoni and the other on my heart and fill one with light and circulate it up and down my body to energise those chakra points.
I’m also going to start doing my own meditation. One for my whole body that I’ve not done in… umm… years.
I decided to go again. In my next session we’ll do some meditation work before she starts the touch therapy. It didn’t happen this first time, she explained, as people tend to be so nervous about the touch part, it’s best to show them what’s involved immediately. The second session is more relaxed and you’re better able to focus.
Find out what happened in my next post…