I’ve been so out of touch with myself, I’ve only fully realised recently, how I squash my feelings of joy and excitement.
I’ll feel that stirring inside my belly, like butterflies, sort of making me feel a bit uneasy and then my mind kicks in and says – ‘think about something else.’ Or, maybe it will say, ‘be objective Sarah’.
“Don’t get too excited, it may never happen”
Whoa. That is what just popped in my head as I was mulling it over.
I can hear my Mum saying that to me. In fact I’m wondering if the exact phrase is – “It will probably never happen”. Since when did the phrase to soothe someone into not worrying that something ‘bad’ may happen, get transplanted in my head to not worry that something ‘good’ will happen.
Ok bear with me here as this is a bit of a revelation for me. When I start writing, at this moment in time, I’m never quite sure what will come out.
Inside of me is a little kid and I occasionally let her out – especially if she’s getting excited about someone else’s idea, happiness, or good fortune. But if that may have an impact on me in any way on a personal level, I start to feel uneasy and I would go so far as to say – deadpan. I’ll separate myself from any possibility that I may be included in that fun event using words and body language, not only with myself but outwardly to the other person – even if that may impact the happiness they may be feeling.
I recently started asking myself – why?
What’s going on here? I WANT to jump up and down with excitement and start dreaming and visualising things happening FOR ME too. And writing this now, I have only gawn and got the fricking clarity that it’s because I sub conscoiusly think to myself. It’ll probably not happen. And if it does, probably not how I want it to happen. And if it does happen I may not like it.
And on and on and on probably.
OMG I’m actually laughing here – out loud. Laughing at the absurdity of it all and of a major mind game I’ve played on myself and how fucking FREE I’m feeling right now. Woo Hoo!
Because now I know – I can start to interrupt that internal dialogue when it starts AND LET MYSELF FEEL JOY… and anticipation and excitement and laughter and closeness and intimacy and loving and probably so many more things.
I’m having such a moment of pure happiness right now, I’m crying. hahahhaha.
Bloody hell. Ok I’m going to leave you with a video from the wonderful Amanda Gore from The Joy Project.com – when I first came across her, I spent ages watching ALL her videos immediately and if you do the same, I defy you to not smile.
Do you feel you squash your joy? Leave a comment by scrolling down the page and writing in the box.
Zoot zoot zoot x