About Finding Balance

My head is all over the place at the moment. Filled with shit about how to create an income and shit about how to make my life better. About finding balance.

Since my 21 Day Juice Fast ended about a month and a half ago, my resolve has been up and down and my brother’s words are coming back to haunt me… “See where you are by Christmas”, he said.

Pffft. Said I. I’ll show him, I’ve quit yo-yo dieting. I’ve snipped the string. I even wrote a blog post talking about it, I was so sure.

But you know what, I’m not.

Some days everything is 100% crystal clear and simple. Then it’s not. I don’t have the answers.

And I realise I just have to accept that some days I’m going to be more resolved than others and if I want to reach my ideal body weight naturally – without even having to THINK about it – like so many people tell me I should be doing, then I’m just going to have to accept some things about who I am right now.

As when I resist, I sabotage myself and feel a failure and eat. Crap.

I’m not sure what the answer is for me yet with regards to weight loss. Part of me thinks I should take drastic action for up to three months. Maybe I need that strict regimen for a while to change my relationship with food.

Doing the 21 day juice fast was tough in places. But I got used to it. Despite the mental hoo har going on at times. And I was PROUD of myself for completing it.

I realise I don’t feel very proud of myself most of the time.

My self confidence is shite. And the only way I can improve it is to start keeping the promises I make myself. And not expect to be perfect. But also to not allow myself too many ‘free passes’ either.

I also have to be brutally honest with myself.

My sister recently mentioned to me that I secretly eat.

WHAT?! I protested. But then I thought about it. I do stand and eat things in the kitchen. I did wake really early this morning and go and get the half tub of Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food icecream out of the freezer. Then eat it in bed while browsing social media.

Why did I do that?

I made myself get on the scales.

I am not a great believer in scales and don’t get on them often, I prefer to measure myself. But I’ve been avoiding that too. 

So I’ve decided to stop avoiding stuff.

I got on the scales and I’m up 6.5 lbs since my last weigh-in. No surprises there – my clothes have been horribly tight again, despite me going back to hot yoga three or four times a week.

It’s no good me either eating well OR exercising well. I need to be finding balance in doing both.

I’ve also got to stop avoiding other areas of my life too. And ask for help.

I need to put myself out there – create something that people want to buy or offer my knowledge as services for a while. It’s crazy that I’m not earning more. I’m not stupid. Maybe I should start sharing that stuff too, so I can’t avoid it. So I squash those fears. Face bigger ones. Be good enough.

And personal relationships. Why do I keep putting off dating? The same reason my business is practically non-existent.

I tell myself I’ll do that when I’ve done this. And then I don’t do ‘this’ so I can avoid doing ‘that’.

Maybe I need to say… Ok, I don’t feel good enough. But I’ll do it anyway.

And see what happens…

photo credit: JS North

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6 thoughts on “About Finding Balance”

  1. maybe you’re trying to ‘fix’ everything at once and it’s overwhelming you? you’ve mentioned your weight, your confidence, income and a whole list of things going on. no wonder you’re going round in circles. one thing at a time, once you change one thing everything else is automatically affected!

    • That sounds like sensible advice Emma and I see the logic and it’s interesting to note the reactions that immediately bubble up in me. Mainly panic at the thought of ignoring everything else except one thing when everything needs addressing. And overwhelm. Which is almost like a comfort blanket as I use it to do nothing, ultimately. I know that the weight loss thing is something that is long haul – it’s about changing something fundamental in me, so it’s not an issue in my life any more. And I’m pretty sure that thing that needs changing, is indeed what will change the other areas of my life too. You’re right. Scary. But at the point of pain now that I have to change something.

  2. Thank you Sarah for your openness and honesty! I’m sure you are not alone with what you are feeling and experiencing.
    You get what going on – On the one hand, you are saying you want changes in different areas of your life, yet at the same time you keep ending up in a place of no change. It’s like one foot is on the accelerator and at the same time one foot is on the brakes…
    You’ve taken a huge step by resolving to stop avoiding… nothing disappears just because we avoid it and we can’t change what we don’t acknowledge, so well done for taking that important step!
    You use the words ‘panic’ and ‘scary’ in your previous response and I wonder if you have ever really unpacked what that’s about, where it’s coming from, and what it means? I think that is the place you need to spend some time. Honour your fears(they got there for a reason) and get to the bottom of what they really are about… All the ‘doing’, chaos, overwhelm and busyness are just about avoiding what’s going on inside of you. Until you do that, your need to fill yourself up, to stuff what’s going on with food will only continue.
    You are a beautiful person and it’s time to let go of all the crap that is getting in the way of you being free to be YOU!

    • Hi Susanne, thank you so much for taking the time to comment. You’re right, I’ve obviously not taken the time before to see where it’s all coming from. After I wrote this post yesterday, I then sat down and listened to this podcast by Pat Flynn – http://bit.ly/1hJmdv4

      So I’m going to go through Byron Katie’s The Work – http://bit.ly/1gov46m – and see where that takes me. I have done various self development stuff over the years, including some therapy to help me through the breakdown of my marriage, and probably the closest I’ve got to ‘The Work’ is Brandon Bays, The Journey.

      I’m not sure how far I’ll get doing this on my own, already I can feel myself squirming inside at the thought. I’ll have to ‘woman up’ and ask for help if I need it.

  3. Everything you have written, I have been thinking the last few months. I’ll avoid telling you what to do so I’ll tell you what I’ve tried& has worked for me over the years.

    I’ve found myself in this hole before & I’m in it again. It’s like trying to grab your ankles and lift yourself (your entire self, not just your legs) up & pull yourself out of a well. It’s not imposible, but it’s really fcuking hard. Calling out for help & having someone throw you a rope down the well isn’t always the 1st choice but it’s a clever choice though.

    Years back I was in once bastard of a hole. I chose a rope, ‘Eating like you’ll feel good about it in 6 hours/mental health/fitness/career/relationships, whatever’ & climbed it. When I’d done it once, I tried another & got out of the next hole. I’ve slipped many times & got burnt along the way but the defining moment in the successes hasn’t been reaching the top & climbing out of the hole; it’s been calling out, choosing a rope & committing to climbing.

    Once you know you can make it with a bit of help knowing that there’s a way out it’s not as hard to climb back up again, sometimes you can do it just by grabbing your ankles.

    Soooooo after reading your post & writing my rambling I have decided to stop avoiding gym because after hurting my back training for th 1/2 marathon I’m now almost 9 kg overweight. I’m going to find a personal trainer I trust & get some guidance and encouragement.

    Thanks my lovlie x

    • Thank you Alex, I love this bit the most “the defining moment in the successes hasn’t been reaching the top & climbing out of the hole; it’s been calling out, choosing a rope & committing to climbing”.. I wish you’d start blogging. I love what you write, even though I struggle with it sometimes. I need to see more of what you’re eating too as when you mention it, it always sounds so delicious :) Maybe you’d consider being a guest blogger on this site? Think about it x


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