My head is all over the place at the moment. Filled with shit about how to create an income and shit about how to make my life better. About finding balance.
Since my 21 Day Juice Fast ended about a month and a half ago, my resolve has been up and down and my brother’s words are coming back to haunt me… “See where you are by Christmas”, he said.
Pffft. Said I. I’ll show him, I’ve quit yo-yo dieting. I’ve snipped the string. I even wrote a blog post talking about it, I was so sure.
But you know what, I’m not.
Some days everything is 100% crystal clear and simple. Then it’s not. I don’t have the answers.
And I realise I just have to accept that some days I’m going to be more resolved than others and if I want to reach my ideal body weight naturally – without even having to THINK about it – like so many people tell me I should be doing, then I’m just going to have to accept some things about who I am right now.
As when I resist, I sabotage myself and feel a failure and eat. Crap.
I’m not sure what the answer is for me yet with regards to weight loss. Part of me thinks I should take drastic action for up to three months. Maybe I need that strict regimen for a while to change my relationship with food.
Doing the 21 day juice fast was tough in places. But I got used to it. Despite the mental hoo har going on at times. And I was PROUD of myself for completing it.
I realise I don’t feel very proud of myself most of the time.
My self confidence is shite. And the only way I can improve it is to start keeping the promises I make myself. And not expect to be perfect. But also to not allow myself too many ‘free passes’ either.
I also have to be brutally honest with myself.
My sister recently mentioned to me that I secretly eat.
WHAT?! I protested. But then I thought about it. I do stand and eat things in the kitchen. I did wake really early this morning and go and get the half tub of Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food icecream out of the freezer. Then eat it in bed while browsing social media.
Why did I do that?
I made myself get on the scales.
I am not a great believer in scales and don’t get on them often, I prefer to measure myself. But I’ve been avoiding that too.
So I’ve decided to stop avoiding stuff.
I got on the scales and I’m up 6.5 lbs since my last weigh-in. No surprises there – my clothes have been horribly tight again, despite me going back to hot yoga three or four times a week.
It’s no good me either eating well OR exercising well. I need to be finding balance in doing both.
I’ve also got to stop avoiding other areas of my life too. And ask for help.
I need to put myself out there – create something that people want to buy or offer my knowledge as services for a while. It’s crazy that I’m not earning more. I’m not stupid. Maybe I should start sharing that stuff too, so I can’t avoid it. So I squash those fears. Face bigger ones. Be good enough.
And personal relationships. Why do I keep putting off dating? The same reason my business is practically non-existent.
I tell myself I’ll do that when I’ve done this. And then I don’t do ‘this’ so I can avoid doing ‘that’.
Maybe I need to say… Ok, I don’t feel good enough. But I’ll do it anyway.
And see what happens…