Trust and what it means to me.
I don’t know about you but 2012 is already one of massive healing and transformation for me. I shall share something now that I learned about myself yesterday. Something about trust and love and who I really am.
Stuff keeps presenting itself to me, over and over and over again. In different ways, with different people but all evoke the same feelings within me – shouting at me “HEAL THIS”. There is obviously a common theme, so obvious in fact, that even I can’t miss it.
Or maybe I’m just getting better at looking within and asking myself – what is it in me that needs to be healed?
Are you reading this and thinking – errrr ok Sarah, wtf are you talking about? *lol*
Ok, basically, what I believe, is that everything I experience is ‘my story’ – the story of my life. The things I experience are manifested by me in order that I may learn and grow and remember Who I Really Am.
And the biggest, most painful ones are only that way as I’ve ignored the numerous little nudges and simply repeated the same old patterns and hoped for a different outcome. Nuts. As we all know, that is the definition of insanity!
So now I look at things as being in a state of love or unlove.
That was driven home to me by recently reading Deepak Chopra’s novel The Daughters of Joy. Brilliant message and why I had to go buy a copy which I’m sending to a friend and maybe it will get passed on by her too.
So when I am feeling any strong negative emotion I try and remember to ask myself, ‘Why is there unlove here? Why am I disconnected? What needs to be heard, understood, forgiven, loved?’
Often, I do not know, it is not clear. Or I think I know but I have not begun to scratch the surface and reveal the layers, wash them clean, so the wound can heal.
At times like this I simply aim to become aware. NOTICE my state of unlove. And start saying to myself on repeat, the words of Ho’oponopono. I say these words to ME, to my negative emotions, thoughts and feelings.
“I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you”
I say this over and over, or part of it, silently to myself until I feel calm again. Or if I’m really stressed, I’ll say it out loud *lol*
I have no idea, why, but it helps me. I recommend you give it a go too ;o)
So anyway, back to my story of what happened to me this weekend… This is where I have to learn how to share my stuff while staying mindful in my references to other people. I have learned that is hurtful for them as their story is, of course, different to mine. So I must always speak my truth from my heart – not my hurt.
I’d recently had two exchanges of opinion with my ex husband and his fiancee via email. Talking about stuff via text always seems like a good idea in the moment – a way of expressing myself where I’ll be heard and understood as the other person can’t talk over the top of me.
How you ‘hear’ things when you read (or write) something is NOT how the other person is going to ‘hear’ things when they read what you’ve sent them.
I’ve learned that if I have something that is important (for me) to say, I need to speak those words. Out loud. And preferably face to face, to avoid misunderstandings. For my feelings to be properly conveyed.
And to properly LISTEN as well as to be HEARD.
This is best done in person. And it’s best done when I have a clear intention of why I’m doing it and I share that with the others at the start of the conversation. Share what the outcome is that I want – especially if I’m trying to resolve something, as we can then remind each other of what we’re all trying to achieve when someone starts to shut down and it feels that the conversation is going to get nowhere.
Doing that reminds everyone of what they really want.
Reminds me to breathe, center, stay open and ask ‘how can we move forward from here?’
Asking questions to keep my heart open helps me. A lot.
So after these email exchanges I was feeling overwhelmingly sad. I kept crying. I was in a major state of unlove and disconnected and thinking miserable thoughts that were just keeping me there. Wallowing. And I don’t like being like that. It’s not who I really am.
So I asked myself, “What am I scared of?’ and I also looked deeper. I took responsibility for what was happening in my own story. Instead of saying, “Omg, why do they keep bringing EVERY conversation back to that moment last year?” I asked myself.. “What is it in me, from that moment last year, that needs to be healed. If it keeps being brought back to me again and again, then it’s something in me that needs to be acknowledged and healed – not them”.
I had to take responsibility.
I was scared to pick up the phone and just speak to my ex husband. I realise now how I hide behind the written word, as well as expose myself with it.
I’ll explore that another time though, as you must be wondering when this post is going to end *lol*
But although I had fear, I did it anyway. He answered, I spoke to him, he listened and he spoke to his fiancee and they offered to drive over and meet me yesterday evening.
I felt scared. But I could not live any more with my fears. With not being able to speak to them, have a normal conversation, with hurt and anger bubbling up in every exchange. It made me feel sick. And a whole host of negative emotions – unlove.
So I sat in the local pub with them, nursing my cranberry and soda, thankful for having both a straw and a twizzle stick to play with when I was feeling in need of a security blanket.
And we all spoke. And we all listened. And we unravelled our stories and our pain. And we all heard.
Yeah, it was touch and go at times *lol* but we reminded ourselves of why we there and what we wanted.
I am thankful and feel blessed that we were all able to do what we did yesterday. And I learned – it came to me when I woke at 4.30’ish this morning – I learned that the root of everything that happened was that I’d trusted and opened my heart but then felt it had been betrayed. Big time. Which is why I’d slammed it shut and reacted with such force last year.. and repeated that story like a stuck record.
It is not natural for who I really am to keep my heart covered up though.
No matter how much I am scared of being hurt. I hurt myself by not facing my fears and uncrossing my arms and opening them wide and sharing my heart.
If I am not giving love, I am not receiving it. Love is not flowing freely through me. I am missing out ;o)
And the only time I am really in pain is when I do not feel love. When I shut myself off from it. When I am in a state of unlove.
Love does not hurt. Unlove hurts.
Trust is a big thing for me, I keep experiencing this lesson and I’m slowly learning and becoming aware and changing my patterns, my story. That even when trust is broken and I shut down for a while, thinking I am protecting myself, I am not. I am just wounded and in order to heal, I have to open myself again. And again. And again…
How can I expect others to trust me, open their hearts to me, love me if I am not willing to just make myself vulnerable and do it myself. FIRST.
I have to stop testing people. Trying to measure how ‘safe’ it is for me to love another. My purpose is to love.
And maybe the more I do that, despite my fears. The more I will feel it, experience love. The more my story will change.
The more I will be, Who I Really Am.
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What patterns do you notice in your life? What nudges are you ignoring? What unlove do you need to heal? x